It’s been an eon and a day since I’ve posted anything. There’s been this weird thing happening, some people call it life? Maybe you’re familiar with it? Goodness knows I’m only on snarling terms with it.
It’s been… a very vivid year. I’ve lost almost all ability to walk, I can “transfer” and do a caveman/scarecrow locked leg swivel. Aside from that I can fall like a freaking champion. Seriously, I could win the Gold Medal for “Most Uncomfortable, Potentially Damaging, Fall”. If it was a sport instead of a stunt double hobby. I just want to know who I’m a stunt double for because, dayumn, they’re in a boring movie.
Eldest child is now officially six years of life. Six, that’s a total gut punch. You parents that know what it’s like to be told you’ll never have a kid get how the birthday thing makes you catch your breath. Maybe even the parents that didn’t have fertility issues, I can imagine the birth day of your child(ren) would take you by shock.
That’s where I’m at, reviewing the past holy-hell-what-were-we–hold-onto—NOOOO six years.
As you probably know we were told having a child would take an act of Congress and the Senate with both parties unilaterally. *cue nervous laughter*
After two failed IVF attempts we gave up, until I got the flu for almost three months and it finally dawned on me to take, yet another, freakin home pregnancy test. SURPRISE!!! You’re two days short of your first trimester! That’s when the nervous, holy hell you better not be making a joke or I’m on death row, laughter happened. The look on my husbands face, that look, its one of my most valued memories. The doubt, hope, wonderment, realization. Out of all my memories, that’s the one I pray I don’t lose because that’s the foundation of all that is.
In a way that sums up where I’m at now, what I try desperately to hold on to. That encapsulates the essence of how I became to where I am today, who I am today. One, simple, relatively cheap item was the crucible of my life.
Now I’m dealing with trying to figure out how to clean a bathroom without consussing myself. How to keep our three year old occupied, happy, and engaged while still having the energy and mental faculties to maintain a home for our family. Trying to figure out where my pain fits in when all I want is to be the mother I know I can be if…if only.
If only I was different.
But then, then.. I wouldn’t be me, would I?
(for anyone worried about the water, it’s food coloring. boys were experimenting with different colors and this is what they ended up with )